I used to love bedtime because it was special. We had a beautiful bedtime routine (bath, book, songs, bed). We would cuddle. then he would fall asleep and I’d have a few hours to do something before I went to bed. (sometimes That was laundry)
Lately bedtime (and the hours that follow) has become a source of stress, anxiety and sadness. Literally, I am sick to my stomach. Why? Because Enzo wakes up and doesn’t want to sleep in his bed. (We converted it to toddler bed Last week.) he wants to sleep with mama and papá. I guess he is over 2 years old now and he should be sleeping in his bed, on his own, through the night. But he’s not. Now, yes I know this is partially my fault because I gave in one too many times, but can you blame me? It was give in and sleep OR fight with him and not sleep, and go to work the next morning, pissed off, cranky and mad at the world. And, at Mother Nature. That’s right. I’m mad at Mother Nature for not creating kids that automatically sleep through the night. I put in my 40 weeks if pregnancy, labor, 15 months of breast feeding— I deserve something in return. You think I could get some reward and that my kid could just sleep?!
Anyway, now that I’ve gotten that out my true feelings about what a WITCH “Mother” Nature is— back to last night- Enzo woke up at around 11 and didn’t fall back asleep until almost 2am. He fell asleep on the floor after hours of crying and calling for me. During this time, I was trying to convince myself how necessary it is for him to sleep on his own. But really, I was dying slowly, every atom of my heart crushed with every cry and every “mama.” I hate this. I hate that I feel like I’m making my child suffer. Because that’s what I feel. I feel awful.
When will this happen all night every night!?!?!
I know many kids go through this, and that it’s natural that they want to sleep with their parents, not alone. Are we going against nature by saying that they should learn to sleep alone? I imagine I’m not the only parent that feels awful. (Seriously, I can’t be the ONLY parent that feels awful!?!?) This morning, to make matters worse, he said he was mad at me. He didn’t even want to look at me. I know I’m not the only parent that is going thorough this. The screaming and the crying… I mean, this is seriously cruel and unusual punishment…. If the government wants to get suspects to talk… They need not use methods of torture, just put then in a room with a screaming toddler. Let’s see how many terrorists can stand the screaming. IT IS TORTURE.
I desperately need something to change or I might need to be committed. Help!They say it gets better, but I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the new jeans I’m going to have to buy two sizes bigger because I end up emotionally eating the feelings and sadness away.
